Sex and Disability

About disability

Disabled people are as sexual and desiring as anybody else. Having a disability does not make someone a) childlike or b) incapable of feeling sexual.

Disabilities can be:

• Physical or mental
• Obvious (e.g. paralysed) or subtle (e.g. fibromyalgia)
• Innate (born with) or a recent occurrence
• Permanent (e.g. blind) or occasional (e.g. migraine)
• Affecting nerves/sensation
• Impacting stamina, positioning, comfort

Disability can limit spontaneity – but communicating and planning can improve sex.

About sex

Sex is much more broadly defined than most people think of it. Sex can be:

• solo
• with toys
• with a partner or partners
• including or not including penetration (or penetrating)

Sex can cause orgasm, or not. Sex can be overt or subtle. It’s sex if the person/people involved believe it is sex, and are feeling sexual feelings and responses.

Be sure to remember that orgasm isn’t the necessary end-point of sexual activity. An orgasm is experienced differently by everyone, no matter the disability or lack thereof.  Regardless of whether you or your partner has a disability, sex is different for everyone; what one person may enjoy, another person may not.

Many more people are disabled than is apparent. And all of them have the right to be sexual if they wish to be. Assisting them to find ways of attaining sexual pleasure, no matter their disability, is made much easier by communicating – asking relevant questions, listening, and being respectful of their knowledge of themselves.

If you’re interesting in learning more about sex and disability, be sure to check out  ‘The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability’ By Miriam Kaufman M.D., Cory Silverberg and Fran Odette (ISBN 1-57344-176-7)

Some websites worth reading:

‘Health Care Without Shame’ by Charles Moser, Ph.D, M.D.

An Open Letter to Those Without Invisible Disability or Chronic Illness

Here’s How, by Gary Karp

Learning Disabilities, Relationships and Sex

Love, Sex and Disability: Maintaining Interest and Intimacy, by Harlan Hahn, Ph.D

Nerve.com Sex and Disability Special Issue

Sex and Disability, by James Kirby

Sex When You’re Disabled

Useful Quotes

Understanding the disabled body

Your disability is part of who you are. Your chronic fatigue, mobility limitation, or lower body paralysis is as much a part of your sexual self as your enviable upper body muscles, sweet tush, gorgeous breasts, or graceful hands. Your body is the raw material you get t work with. You might as well get acquainted with the whole package. (Kaufman et al, p29)

You have a right to touch yourself in a loving way, you deserve pleasure, you deserve to be touched the way you want to be touched. You deserve to heal. (Kaufman et al, p285)

Constructing a sexual blueprint that maps the places on your body where you have more or less sexual sensation, as well as what your body looks like (inside and out), its textures and rhythms – leads to a healthier sexuality. (Kaufman et al, p28)

People tend to make assumptions about people with disabilities that have no bearing on reality – or their humanity. Even though there are those who believe that disabled people should not want to be sexually active, this is not factual because people with disabilities still long to be touched and loved just like a person who is totally healthy. (Kirby, disabled-world.com)

Communication

Everyone has a hard time communicating their sexual needs. We haven’t even found that it gets a whole lot easier the more we do it. The only thing we can say for sure is that without telling someone what you want sexually you are very unlikely to get it from them by chance. (Kaufman et al, p70)

Sexual sensation and orgasm

Having reduced mobility or less motor control of your hands or arms doesn’t mean you can’t play with sex toys. To start, consider any needs you have in terms of holding sex toys. What do you want to do with the toy? What movement do you have that you can use to manipulate a toy? Where would you want the toy to touch, and can you reach there? If you are thinking about using a vibrator, can you also press it against your body in addition to holding it? If you’re interested in a dildo, can you manipulate a toy for penetration? Remember, even if the answer if no to many of these questions, solutions can always be found. (Kaufman et al, p214)

When sexually aroused, we all have an increase in heart rate, breathing, body temperature and blood pressure. Blood collects in various places, including the ears and lips. The skin gets flushed, sometimes especially on the chest and neck. All of these things intensify. (Kaufman et al, p33)

People lacking sensation about the penis/scrotum or vulva area can often experience strong sensation around the anus. (Kaufman et al, p174)

Many people notice areas on increased sensitivity just about the line where they lose sensation. Having this area stroked, licked, or tickled can be very sexually pleasurable. After SCI, people often discover how much sexual pleasure they can get from their lips, earlobes, nipples, armpits, inner elbows and neck. (Kaufman et al, p 148)

About half of spinal cord injury survivors can experience orgasm and this ability is not strongly related to the level or completeness of injury. Some of us, for that matter, find sex even better than before injury. There is growing evidence that sexual knowledge, sexual self-esteem, and time since injury are related to the ability to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. It seems that knowledge is power, power fuels self-esteem, and self-esteem opens the door to sexual pleasure. (Mitch Tepper, sexualhealth.com)

An experienced disabled lover knows their body well, has been through the routine before, and knows that describing in advance what won’t happen is what makes for a good time. You relax and enjoy what is possible. Which, of course, is a great deal. (Karp, goodvibes.com)

It is important to remember that orgasm has been defined by nondisabled people observing the sexual behaviour or other nondisabled people. (Kaufman et al, p57)

Pain

Rather than trying to explain the pain well enough so that the other people will understand it (this is close to impossible), it is often better to talk about the effects it has. Pain may interfere with our feeling we’re a sexual person, as it may make us feel not “at home” in our bodies, make it hard for us to feel sexy, make it difficult for us to reach out physically or emotionally, and sap our energy, Pain may be predictable, with times of day that are better than others, or things that can lead to temporary relief. Sex itself can also cause pain, or make it worse. (Kaufman et al, p91)

Many of us live with pain, inflicted on us by our bodies, our doctors, our illnesses. S/M can be a way to change our relationship to the pain we experience in our daily lives. (Kaufman et al, p242)